I Didn't Want To Be A Mother
I never wanted to be a mother.
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I came from a big family so the idea of having an only child was not an option. Even though I didn’t want children, the ball was rolling so I might as well keep going. I nursed Hunter for 10 months (Did I mention I didn’t enjoy nursing?) then I stopped nursing. The 11th month I found myself pregnant with my second child. That became the rhythm - nurse, stop nursing, and get pregnant. By the time I was 28, I had three kids 3 1⁄2 and under. I’m not going to lie. It was harder than hell. When Hunter turned one, we had moved from NY (where our extended families lived) to Dallas (where we knew no one). Being locked up in a small apartment with three little ones, no friends, no financi
al cushion, no car, no idea how to mother or to be a Christian woman - it was not my idea of ‘the good life!" I hated it. I didn’t hate my kids; I just hated the whole concept of what it meant to mother.
It would take a while to put aside my understanding of “the ideal mother” and embrace God’s design for my mothering. See, I had a fabulous mother; she was my example of what it meant to be a good mother. Mom mothered us 4 kids and another boy who lived with us. She cooked three meals a day from scratch. We grew all our food, we raised cattle and pigs, and we canned for the winter. My mom sewed our clothes and knitted us slippers and mittens. She was known to secretly sneak stuff to people who were in need. On top of that she never lost her cool. She let us be ourselves. She loved us when we were unlovable. She was my example, but I was nothing like her. Her color wasn’t my color.
And then there was the Christian ideal of mothering. Ugh. I was new to the faith; therefore, I feared I would fail my kids in raising them well for Jesus. I’ve since learned fear is a real driver for most of us mothers, yet Scripture tells us God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but faith. (2 Timothy 1:7) If we are to be honest with ourselves and others, we need to admit we often operate out of fear.
I remember Christian women telling me my kids would have better social skills if they attended preschool. I panicked because we couldn’t afford a babysitter, let alone preschool! Fear gripped me as I didn’t want my kids to be socially ill equipped. Later I came to understand preschool is not for kids; it’s for moms who need a break. It’s time we are honest about it!
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Hampton, Madison, Me and Hunter - 2016